I don't like where I am right now.

With John, I feel like I'm worthless when I think about us. There's nothing wrong with fuck buddies but he isn't even a buddy anymore. Honestly, we talk about once a week and that's to decide when we're next hanging out. This wouldn't be that bad if it was mutual and we were in similar situations. We're not though. He has a fucking girlfriend. Because hes a fucking ASSHOLE. yeah. a fucking ASSHOLE. Do you want to know the story? Do you really want to know?

I know..... you don't. But this blog is for me. I'm just getting shit off my chest. Nobody has to read this crap.

I guess I should start from the beginning, from how I've seen things.

First off, I should say we met online. Because that is LAME. He messaged me on facebook or whatever and we started talking online. The sole reason I clicked yes on him on facebook's Are You Interested app is because his profile only said "Im pretty spectacular if I say so myself" That's probably a bad reason to click yes on someone. Confident people are really attractive though. The first time we eventually hung out, he brought me to his town. If I listened to anything anyone says, I wouldn't have gotten into a car with a stranger. It was a mixture of the speed and weed though that made me agree to it. Plus, I'm always saying no. I felt like saying yes for once. (1) We hooked up a bit. I haven't had anybody for 2-3 years besides him. I was fucking horny. Let's leave it at that.
Next night, I went to a party thing with him. I was definitely pushing it by telling my parents I was sleeping over my friends house two nights in a row. But I went, and it was fun. That night, I lost my virginity to him in some losers bed. Virginity has never really meant alot to me. I feel bad about my lack of a conscience/emotions sometimes.(2) But I see it just as a thing. It doesn't really exist. It's one tiny inconsequential moment in my life that effects almost nothing. One thing I do have to give john though, he really knows how to make a girl feel good.

fucking bullshit compliments. It all seems so real when I'm with him though. I think I really liked him for a while ._.

So I talked to him online. We were going to hang out again the next weekend. BUUUUuuuuuuttTttttt we didn't. I called him. He texted me back saying he was dealing with some shit and he'd call me after. Never called. Also, that weekend, when we hung out, I was supposed to sleep over his house. So I purposely didn't stay out all weekend so my parents wouldn't mind me staying out the one night with him. I missed a fucking BOMB party that everyone went to because I chose not to stay out that night so I could stay out the next night. The next night, he never called! So I was fucking horny, angry, depressed, and all by myself. What he said made it sound like something bad happened to his friend. He never actually explained what happened though. I still feel like I was blown off. :(

Tuesday or something, I logged on to facebook and saw that John and some girl were now going out.

what the fuck. seriously, what the fuck.
A week after I lost it to him, he got a girlfriend. I cried/was sad for 15 minutes. Then I went to the woods, smoked a bowl, and went apeshit. I facebook messaged him:

"Seriously, what the fuck.

No hard feelings, just give me my bowl back please?"(I had forgotten my piece in his car)

and he said

"We need to talk. Before shit starts to get hectic. Just hear me out, its different then it seems, and i want a chance to explain to you. No bullshit. I promise"

BULLSHIT? I just wanted my fucking bowl back. So after 3 FUCKING WEEKS of him not giving me my bowl, I was pretty pissed. But I hung out with him anyways. And we hooked up again because I AM WEAK.

and then I hung out with him again, because I AM WEAK.

So now, I feel like I'm just a fucking plaything. and I'm still really depressed because winter fucking SUCKS, and school SUCKS, and I can't help but hate myself. I'm just "the other girl" that he calls when he wants to fuck. FUCK. NO. this IS bullshit. and it's fucking with my mind. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a fuck buddy. But we're hardly even buddies and he has a girlfriend. So with him, he has a girlfriend that he fucks and then also he has me "the other girl", who he fucks on off days.

and I am at home, miserable. horrifyingly miserable.

The next time we hang out will be the last though. I can't do this anymore. It's fucking with my mind.

If he brings his girlfriend to skanksgiving next weekend. that would suck. :(

(1) I always say no when I'm unsure. Before I hung out with him, all I could think about was how if it started sucking, I would be half an hour away from my town, unable to get out of it. I said yes because I can't say no anymore.

(2) I am the most emotional, not when something sad happens or when I am stressed, when I think about myself. When I think about my indifference towards my mom's sickness, I beat myself up. My mom is a fucking BASKETCASE and thinks she is dying. and I don't care. D: I definitely should care.