I woke up at like 10 today and I ate breakfast. APPLE PIE MMMMM! :D

and then I started my painting - which - i'll fully explain another time so it can have its own moment of glory. because. it's funny.

chelsea called me in the middle of painting and I decided to hang out with her because I really wasn't in the mood to paint and it's such a big ordeal. I don't like painting. There's too much involved in it. Maybe I'll like painting more when I'm in college and I have a space to paint.

So, I hung out with her. And we smoked a bit and cleaned out her car. IT WAS FILTHY. lol. it really was. I'm really a pretty messy person but I don't know. It was dirty. Haha. It's all cool though. whatever. I ate dinner at chelsea's house. The food was amazing. I had her thanksgiving leftovers and it was unbelievable. I felt like it was gourmet. My thanksgiving dinner was horrible in comparison. AND THE DESSERTS! there was this pumpkin parfait and chocolate eclair cake. It was fantastic. Im excited just thinking about it.

Chelsea eventually pulled me away from the food and we went to lowercase p at the mambo grill.

that was awesome. and the rest of the night is a blur. Lowercase P was really good though. I want to see them again.


http://www.lowercasep.com/
check them out.

What I do

After a shitty night... A night that made me realize how much I can suck at times...

Today I woke up around 9 and stayed awake in bed for 2 or 3 hours because my house is fucking cold. I hate winter with a flaming passion. With summer, being too hot does suck sometimes but whatever. I don't mind sweating occasionally and I love not having to wear a lot of clothing. WINTER, though! Fucking A! In Boston at least, the winters are absolutely horrible. It HURTS to be cold. It is PAINFUL. Even if you're wearing thirty layers and are mildly warm in some places of your body, your face is still going to be FUCKING FREEZING. I absolutely love Boston. I really do. When I am out of college though, I am moving far far away. Or at least for the winter. Being too hot in the summer is uncomfortable, sure, but being cold in the winter gets to the point of agonizing pain far too often.

After getting out of bed, I moped around for another hour or so. Because that's what I always do after I come to the realization that I suck. I mope. I brood. I wallow in my shit. Eventually, I got sick of moping. So I did what I always do when I need a pick me up. Took a shower and had some adderol.

I cleaned my room. It looks nice. I changed my sheets. I looked through and cut up some magazines. I'm doing fine I guess.

And then I sat on the computer for the rest of the night. Taking a few breaks in between. You know, to take a piss and grab some grub and whatnot. All day I've been listening to albums. ALL DAY. I never used to be an album person, I just downloaded what people say are the best songs from the artist. Recently though, I've been going through a super album phase. I listen to an album over and over and over again. and I love it. I love getting an album and listening to it until my ears bleed. But I'm downloading albums too fast for me to listen to them all. Since the beginning of November, I've obtained 3000 new songs. that's alot of albums to listen to.

Today I listened to Girl Talk, Minutemen, Bad Religion, the Magnetic Fields, Amanda Palmer, and Elliott Brood.

I have about 20 other fucking albums to listen to too and I'm psyched.




I'm spending my Saturday night at home by myself though. And I've been home all day. And I'm going to be home all day tomorrow too. There's got to be something wrong with me.

And winter is making me so goddamn depressed. D:

I woke up feeling like it would be like any other morning. When I actually stood up though, I realized it was not just any other morning. It was the morning after a concert and my legs were on FIRE.

Actually, it wasn't the morning after the concert, it was 2 days after. I felt fine on Sunday but this morning I was in so much pain I could cry. A good pain though. The pain you feel from working out too hard. I want to start going to the gym too. Partly because I'm not entirely happy with my body but mostly because I want muscle. I want to be able to beat the shit out of someone if need be. I've never been in any physical fights before. Actually I've never actually been in a fight with any of my friends besides mike. Small quarrels here and there, sure. In general though, most people say it's really hard to actually get mad at me and I'm too calm to create unnecessary problems.

:O

I FEEL THA BURN!


In other news. Watch the movie Waking Life. It's pretty amazing.

SOOoooooo last night I went to Skanksgiving at Showcase Live in Foxboro. Seriously, I don't know why I ever stopped going to ska shows. They're so much FUCKING fun. The people are great

Before the concert I snorted 3 adderol and had an energy drink. Another thing I don't know is how I ever survived concerts without adderol before? Seriously? I was able to dance the whole night without stopping. Normally I'm like "NAH I've got to save my skank for the better bands at the end" but I was able to skank through the whole show, even through the bands nobody cares about in the beginning.

Overall, the show was really good.

OH and somebody spilled a beer all over the shirt I just bought 5 seconds before.

And THEN.... after the concert, my heartbeat would NOT stop beating at a million miles an hour. I was pretty much hyperventilating. So for a minute straight, I puked up about a gallon of water and energy drink. That sucked. I think I drank too much because the venue had free pitchers of water. That was the only good thing about that place. The security guards were assholes dragging people out of the show the whole night for being too disruptive or crowd-surfing. That was lame. Oh well. I don't think I've ever crowd-surfed. Seems like scary shit. I think I'd break in two.

and I wish john had went. :|

This wasn't a very good post. I promise my other posts will get better.

What did you do today?

Today, I woke up at 11.

Then I took some adderol and decided to completely purge my room of everything that was of no use to me anymore. Now my room is so clean it hurts.

I think I'm gonna go puke now.

I don't like where I am right now.

With John, I feel like I'm worthless when I think about us. There's nothing wrong with fuck buddies but he isn't even a buddy anymore. Honestly, we talk about once a week and that's to decide when we're next hanging out. This wouldn't be that bad if it was mutual and we were in similar situations. We're not though. He has a fucking girlfriend. Because hes a fucking ASSHOLE. yeah. a fucking ASSHOLE. Do you want to know the story? Do you really want to know?

I know..... you don't. But this blog is for me. I'm just getting shit off my chest. Nobody has to read this crap.

I guess I should start from the beginning, from how I've seen things.

First off, I should say we met online. Because that is LAME. He messaged me on facebook or whatever and we started talking online. The sole reason I clicked yes on him on facebook's Are You Interested app is because his profile only said "Im pretty spectacular if I say so myself" That's probably a bad reason to click yes on someone. Confident people are really attractive though. The first time we eventually hung out, he brought me to his town. If I listened to anything anyone says, I wouldn't have gotten into a car with a stranger. It was a mixture of the speed and weed though that made me agree to it. Plus, I'm always saying no. I felt like saying yes for once. (1) We hooked up a bit. I haven't had anybody for 2-3 years besides him. I was fucking horny. Let's leave it at that.
Next night, I went to a party thing with him. I was definitely pushing it by telling my parents I was sleeping over my friends house two nights in a row. But I went, and it was fun. That night, I lost my virginity to him in some losers bed. Virginity has never really meant alot to me. I feel bad about my lack of a conscience/emotions sometimes.(2) But I see it just as a thing. It doesn't really exist. It's one tiny inconsequential moment in my life that effects almost nothing. One thing I do have to give john though, he really knows how to make a girl feel good.

fucking bullshit compliments. It all seems so real when I'm with him though. I think I really liked him for a while ._.

So I talked to him online. We were going to hang out again the next weekend. BUUUUuuuuuuttTttttt we didn't. I called him. He texted me back saying he was dealing with some shit and he'd call me after. Never called. Also, that weekend, when we hung out, I was supposed to sleep over his house. So I purposely didn't stay out all weekend so my parents wouldn't mind me staying out the one night with him. I missed a fucking BOMB party that everyone went to because I chose not to stay out that night so I could stay out the next night. The next night, he never called! So I was fucking horny, angry, depressed, and all by myself. What he said made it sound like something bad happened to his friend. He never actually explained what happened though. I still feel like I was blown off. :(

Tuesday or something, I logged on to facebook and saw that John and some girl were now going out.

what the fuck. seriously, what the fuck.
A week after I lost it to him, he got a girlfriend. I cried/was sad for 15 minutes. Then I went to the woods, smoked a bowl, and went apeshit. I facebook messaged him:

"Seriously, what the fuck.

No hard feelings, just give me my bowl back please?"(I had forgotten my piece in his car)

and he said

"We need to talk. Before shit starts to get hectic. Just hear me out, its different then it seems, and i want a chance to explain to you. No bullshit. I promise"

BULLSHIT? I just wanted my fucking bowl back. So after 3 FUCKING WEEKS of him not giving me my bowl, I was pretty pissed. But I hung out with him anyways. And we hooked up again because I AM WEAK.

and then I hung out with him again, because I AM WEAK.

So now, I feel like I'm just a fucking plaything. and I'm still really depressed because winter fucking SUCKS, and school SUCKS, and I can't help but hate myself. I'm just "the other girl" that he calls when he wants to fuck. FUCK. NO. this IS bullshit. and it's fucking with my mind. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a fuck buddy. But we're hardly even buddies and he has a girlfriend. So with him, he has a girlfriend that he fucks and then also he has me "the other girl", who he fucks on off days.

and I am at home, miserable. horrifyingly miserable.

The next time we hang out will be the last though. I can't do this anymore. It's fucking with my mind.

If he brings his girlfriend to skanksgiving next weekend. that would suck. :(

(1) I always say no when I'm unsure. Before I hung out with him, all I could think about was how if it started sucking, I would be half an hour away from my town, unable to get out of it. I said yes because I can't say no anymore.

(2) I am the most emotional, not when something sad happens or when I am stressed, when I think about myself. When I think about my indifference towards my mom's sickness, I beat myself up. My mom is a fucking BASKETCASE and thinks she is dying. and I don't care. D: I definitely should care.

WHAT A SURPRISE!

Listening to: Purple Stain - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Soooooooooo, I'm back to blogger.

I didn't get rid of my livejournal though.

It's funny, the reason I left blogger to go to livejournal was because more of my friends were on it and I wanted to comment people's posts. That's exactly why I'm leaving livejournal though. Because I DO actually want to keep a journal. But I don't want to tell some of the things I want to say to my "friends". Basically, my livejournal posts have recently been one sentence or stanza from some fucking lyric that I felt voiced my opinion on my life at the time. LOL IM GHEY.

So I've come here, because I have no friends here. : D and because I think I want to have a sweet looking blog if I ever get to changing the layout on this blog. HOH SHIT NO. I'm too fucking lazy. And I'm a senior. I can use that as an excuse, can't I?