I haven't posted at all for months. I've just forgotten about it I guess. There's too much for me to tell about my life now if I was trying to let anyone follow it though. So I guess it's really for my self that I ever write in this. Maybe I'll make a good blog someday.

My tonsils are the size of golfballs and have white shit growing on them. It's really painful. And it tastes bad. WAAAH

I'm really bummed that I have brain damage, and sound like I'm retarded.

It really sucks that my voice hasn't gone back to normal. Because now, when I meet people, there are preconceived notions about me.

And I don't know how to act around my acquaintances. I'm so fucking awkward around some people. and nobody even gives me a chance. People don't like me unless they spend the time to get to know me.

the magnitude of my sucking is becoming apparent to me.

I'm significantly dumber, less pretty, less confident, and I can't talk normal
because
I wanted to die but the doctors saved me.

How was your day, good sir?

yesterday was nice.

Around noon, I went to the woods with some close friends. We spent practically the whole day there and the weather was SO nice. It wasn't too cold and it wasn't really too hot. It was f-ing PERFECT.

They showed me some striped tree that has to do with an ongoing scavenger hunt thing between them and some other girl that it is so intense I really just need to devote an entire post to it, so that'll come later. maybe. probably not. Anyways they painted a tree purple and yellow striped in the middle of the woods. It's pretty fucking tall too. I was really impressed. Only I would have friends that would spend time to paint a tree head to toe in the middle of the woods. Freaks. haha it really was pretty trippy though. Imagine walking through the woods and finding a bright striped tree. There was also a ton of some really pretty flower that was the same exact color as the purple of the tree. Mike told me it was an endangered flower and he's never seen so many in the woods. I took pictures but I have yet to upload them.

After a while of walking through the woods, we had a picnic at a small filled in rock quarry. Before we ate though we smoked salvia.

Interesting, to say the least.

It felt like things were folding in and everything was just infinitely repeating in front of me. It was kind of like one of those psychedelic pictures of an image that goes on forever. I can't even explain it. I was sitting down on a big rock ledge and for some reason, sitting there was SO uncomfortable. You know when you sit on grass and it makes imprints on your skin? Well sitting on the rock left crazy looking imprints on my legs. I didn't like the feeling of sitting there on that rock at all, so I got up and started walking around. Apparently, I decided it would be a good idea to sit down in a bush. I was consumed by the bush. I WAS the bush.

Afterwards, we ate some fruit salad and baguette. The fruit salad tasted absolutely amazing.

Basically, I spent 5 hours just sitting in the woods with my friends. I'm excited to be leaving my crappy high school but its pretty sad knowing that it won't ever be like this again. I'm not going to have the chance to waste days with my friends anymore. It's going to be weird not hanging out with when I've seen him almost everyday for 14 years.

Tuesday night was also the night of the prom I didn't go to. We went to the after prom breakfast though. It reminded me of a 5th grade dance. and it wasn't even a breakfast! I was expecting to pig out on bacon and pancakes or something but nooooooooooo. They had pizza AND a chocolate fondue fountain. That's all they had.

SO, crappy music, bad dancers, and no breakfast.

oh well.

I did absolutely NOTHING today

and it felt awesome.





Now I just want someone to do that with.

BTW....

I got my license! YAY!

I was nominated for one of the best art achievement awards at my school! YAY!

4 days left of high school forever! AND I only have to take one final! YEAH!

I'm driving to Montreal tomorrow! to see Animal Collective! and I'm 18 so I can go to the bars there! with my friends! YEAY!

In two weeks I'm going to see X in Boston! Kickass! I'M 18! YEAH!

I'm enrolled in Massachusetts college of art for next year! and I'm dorming in Boston!


so far, things are looking pretty awesome. I'm happy that I'm happy. The only thing I can think of that kind've sucks is the fact that I don't have a date for prom, so I'm probably not going. I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND why guys don't pursue me though. It blows. and I don't want to go to prom with a girlfriend or anything.

I don't know, maybe I'll go. It doesn't seem worth the money y'know? 75$ for a ticket, then a dress and shoes, then transportation and stuff

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

New Year's Resolution: A month late

Get Happy.

Shit fuck hell damn shit fuck shit
Fuck
Shit-for-brains asshole dickweed all right
You're a motherfucker and I hate you
Fuck shit hell damn shit fuck
Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you
I'm pissed
I'm pissed
I'm so pissed off
I'm so fucking pissed
You take everything and then you left me
You took all my shit you left me nothing
Now I'm getting really angry
I feel like I'm gonna fucking explode
You think you're gonna get away with this?
Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you
I'm pissed
I'm pissed
I'm so pissed off
I'm so fucking pissed
Shit-for-brains asshole fuckface
You're a motherfucker and I hate you
Shit fuck hell damn shit fuck
You can eat the corn out of my shit
Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you
Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you
I'm pissed
I'm pissed
I'm so pissed off
I'm so fucking pissed
Pissed
Pissed
Pissed
I've been so mad lately

This is how I feel when people blow me off, don't call me, and say some bullshit story to cover it up.

If you don't want to hang out with me...

FIRSTLY Don't make fucking plans with me and build it up so high that I really am excited to see you and then BLOW ME OFF

SECONDLY If you all of a sudden don't want to hang out, ex. If you have a hangover or just don't feel like hanging out, YOU CAN FUCKING TELL ME. I wouldn't mind it if you said "I woke up feeling like shit today, rain date?"

THIRDLY
FUCKING CALL ME! Instead of leaving me fucking hanging all day!

You should fucking call me and tell me you can't hang out rather than leaving me fucking clueless, feeling like absolute SHIT, waiting for your fucking call!

Fuck you fuck you fuck you
fuck you fuck you fuck you

i'm pissed
i'm pissed
i'm so pissed off
i'm so fucking pissed

Really though, why do you have to be such an asshole? Do you like to make me feel like shit? You go from being the sweetest guy to being a complete prick. WTF? Even if you aren't making up a lame excuse to get out of hanging out with me, and you're telling the truth, you should still fucking call me so I'm not waiting around for you all day.

God dammit, I wish I was just asexual and a sociopath so guys wouldn't make me feel like shit all the time.

I was born a unicorn

So last night, Chelsea picked me up and told me she had a surprise for me. COOL DUDE. I like surprises. Good surprises anyways. (I'd prob be pretty pissed if I found out I was pregnant or some shit) When she picked me up, we were only on the road for 2 minutes because we drove up into Eve's driveway. I was like "Ah cool! We're hanging out with Eve!"

It's been so long.

We were hanging out in her kitchen and Eve was like "We have a surprise for you." when somebody came running down the stairs and started playing keys in the other room. I was hesitant at first. "Wtf?" I didn't know what this damn surprise would be >_> haha

So I went into the other room, and there, playing the piano, was ANDY! Fuck, kid. I haven't seen him in ages. I gave him a huge hug. Dude, Eve and Andy were my BEST friends before I went in the hospital. It was so surreal hanging out with them. I used to go to Eve's house every single day. It was my home away from home. Especially when I was hating what my parents had to say to me. I fucking loved these kids so much.

So we hung out. And it was awesome.

And I've reluctantly decided to stop smoking too. (This was put on hold because of the situation. Hanging out with Andy and Eve was definitely something to celebrate because I haven't in so long.) I told my parents I would stop smoking and willingly take drug tests if they agreed to some things. I told them straight out I would stop smoking if they:

let me hang out with whoever
whenever(reasonably) 12-1 am usually
GET COMPLETELY OFF MY ASS
and let me sleepover places

So I've stopped smoking basically. Only because they're SO FUCKING HORRIBLE. I hate living in my house. Here are my reasons:

-my house is FILLED to the brim with shit. My mom is an almost clinically insane hoarder. Seriously. It's horrible. I can't bring people over to the house. It's embarassing. There's fucking sticky notes ALL OVER my house. With things written on them like "Close the door if the air conditioning is on!" and "Doctors: 2:00! DONT FORGET!!!!" and then there are fucking books EVERYWHERE. My house looks like a warzone. That pretty much explains it.

-My Dad is crazy. He loves me way too much. It's scary. I'm the only reason he has to live right now. He pretty much hates my brother and mom. And his family is 10,000 miles away. I feel bad for him sometimes. He really needs to let go of me though. Its absolutely impossible for him to even fall asleep until I'm in my room. It's wierd, he has unusually strong father-senses. During the summer, my neighbors always ask me if I want to go for a late-night walk, but I can't. Are you kidding me? I would have to pull some kind of elaborate fucking escape to get out of my house without him knowing.

-My dog is a bitch and eats everything. He got into the kitchen once and ate a whole thing of cheese danish. It was hugenormous. Probably like friggen 4x12. I don't know if he did, but I hope he was miserable with the shits soooooo bad. Bastard. He's so goddamn cute though.


-My brother is alright. I don't mind living with him. I wouldn't actually want to live with him on his own though. He's so fricken lazy and I'd end up the one who did everything if I wanted anything done. The only real problem with my brother is the fights he has with my parents. GOD DAMNIT. JUST STFU. Whenever he is home, there is going to be some sort of screaming or slamming of doors. He has really bad anger and anxiety issues too. I feel bad for him.

-My parents are constantly on my ass. One time I was normally just leaving my house and all of a sudden my dad stepped in and fucking blocked the door. He was stopping me from opening the door. wtf? He was fucking blocking the door? So he could GRILL me. That's the biggest reason for me stopping smoking. Im sick of being GRILLED. It's painful talking to my parents. I can't stand it sometimes. And they don't understand it when I become defensive if they're being out of the question obnoxious. ONCE, my mom found a pre-paid phone box in my trash. (Because she goes through my trash? why? o_O) It was from when my friend used my computer to set up her new phone. My mom came into my room one day, with the box in hand, and said "What's this?" in THAT tone of voice. THAT tone. That horrible tone that makes me want to kill someone. Half of what pisses me off is the tone of voice she uses when she talks.

So I've stopped smoking. Because I want FREEDOM. and I'm fucking sick of listening to my parents bitch. I can't wait to go to college. That's a whole other story though. (I'm having a wicked hard time with getting my portfolio together and I'm scared I don't have enough :\ I should just go into nursing. Like so many other women in my family.)



This is scary. I actually wrote a blog entry. I haven't done that in forever. What is wrong with me?

Why am I awake at 1:45, fervently writing a blog entry? Oh yeah, caffeine. I forgot Dr. Pepper had caffeine.