Everybody just laughs

but nobody understands how stressful and painful it is living with a mentally ill parent.

oh man

I just want someone to skank to two-tone with, when all we have are these ska-punk kids and RBF weenies.

BRAIN

GIRAFFE

HELICOPTER

I have a weakness for girl punk and doo-wop.

<3

yeah. from now on, my new philosophy is going to be......

JUST FUCKING GO WITH IT


so no more changing my mind/blowing off people because I'm afraid.
or playing it safe on things that can't hurt.
and other things yeahyeahyeah

And if I don't pick up the phone
It may not mean that I'm not home
I may be laying there alone
Feeling fine, feeling mine!

IT EEEESS OVER

WOOO! so freshmen year of college flew by! it was a pretty good time, I must admit. I wish I had had better teachers but I think I learned enough of that studio foundation crap. If I can get over my voice, I think I could even speak the bullshit lingo! nice!

now I'm working at Heritage again. It still sucks! But oh well! I get 8.50 an hour and 40+ hours of work a week sooooo fuck yeah I'll be raking in the dough! It would be nice to have a better job, no doubt. But next summer I'll just find a new job. 3 years at the same place is a good amount of time I think.

and I started running/working out. Partly to lose some of the stomach I've gained due to eating at the fartwells cafeteria/drinking beer all the time. I know I'm not really FAT. But it feels better to be in shape. I'll let myself get fat/not care once I get a boyfriend. If that ever happens... ahaha... I've given up on trying to find somebody that I'm attracted to. The next time some guy that I find wierd likes me, I'm just going to suck it up and go for it.

All of the guys that have ever liked me are always really depressed :/ ugh... I don't want to go out with someone that's going to be bringing me down.

I just want someone that is mentally stable. Is that so much to ask for?

ahhhhhhhh stop reading this

I just can't fucking verbalize it!

So I just recorded myself practicing a presentation I have to do tomorrow.




and when I watched it, I couldn't help but balling my eyes out because of how slow my voice is now. I have around 5 minutes to get my point across and talk about two pieces of art I chose and I didn't even get half way through what I have written down for what I want to say tomorrow.

What takes me 5 minutes to say in my head takes me like 15 to say in real life. :(

and I wouldn't be able to say those things without cue cards in front of me. It's like it's too complicated of a subject for me to be able to talk about it on the spot. Even though I completely understand and know all the concepts and facts, I just can't fucking verbalize it.

I JUST CAN'T FUCKING VERBALIZE IT.

and that creates SUCH a problem for me. In so many aspects of life it creates problems. I have a serious disadvantage to everything too. Well-spoken people get the jobs, the relationships, the friends, the money, they can get out of tickets etc....

I want to be an artist for gods sake! Every one to two weeks, in all of my studio classes, I have a critique. My teachers ask me to explain my work, what decisions I made, what I was thinking, what my concept is.... and I CANT REALLY DO IT. It makes it seem like I haven't been thinking at all when I'm making my art. The truth is, I think about it a shit-ton. Just as much, if not more than all the other artards that go to my school. I swear to god I'm not just plugging out random shit for homework so I can pass.

And the thing is, SO MANY PEOPLE create bullshit art and get recognized or paid obscene amounts. And you know why? because they know how to speak the bullshit. or they know someone that can get them into the art world that also knows how to speak the bullshit.

And despite how hard I am trying, I cannot seem to be able to speak the bullshit. (I don't really want to but at the same time I should learn the lingo if I want to be successful in the field right?) Everyone just EATS it up. You can be the shittiest artist but if you're well-spoken there is a good chance you'll succeed.

If I wanted to be an eloquent writer, I would've gone and tried that. I just want to make some goddamn art. That's what I enjoy. I would starve just to be able to live as an artist because that's all I really want to do. and I know I'm probably being ridiculous going to art school and taking out loans for something I'm almost guaranteed to make no money in......


I can't even watch that video without getting teary eyed. Because I KNOW that's what I sound like to everyone else. The voice of my friends in videos I've seen sounds almost exactly what they sound like in real life. Alot of people's first impressions of me is that I'm slightly mentally retarded or slow or something. and I know. because sometimes people talk to me like I'm retarded or a sped and it really hurts.

My mom says anyone that doesn't understand or isn't compassionate for me is just a fucking asshole.

When I started taking BC, I made the decision that I would keep my empty BC packages in case I wanted to do something with them. I thought, these could make some pretty cool looking art, so why not collect them? Well I did. And I had like 30 of these packages.

Now, I knew I would probably NEVER use them... So being the GENEROUS person that I am, I decided to bring them to the "ReStore" at my school. Artist's love useless shit, so we have a store that you can donate your crap to and get crap in return. There's some pretty neat stuff in there.

So I've got my tissue box full of BC packages and I go there.. and the guy there tells me he can't take it.

"BECAUSE ITS JUST TRASH"

are you fucking kidding me? If I gave him one, I can see why he wouldn't take it. But I wanted to give him 3 YEARS WORTH of BC packages.

I figured some hippy/feminist/artist might be like "OH SCORE" and make some kickass sculpture or art with them. Like I was going to do. If I had any ideas. Or if I felt like it.

I'm pretty(reaaaaallllyyyy) angry right now. In my fit of rage/feeling like an idiot, I threw them away in the trash. THEY WERENT TRASH. I feel like going back there and chucking the entire trash can at his ignorant fucking closedminded head.



He... laughed at me. I feel like such a fucking idiot but I shouldn't because I know I'm right. I BROUGHT JUNK TO A "RE-STORE"

THATS WHAT YOU DO

YOU EXCHANGE CRAP FOR CRAP






I really wish I didn't throw them away :(

It makes me REALLY angry that I'm stuck with a teacher that can't speak english... you don't have to hire every fucking diversity that applies for a teaching position to make the school look good

I just want a good education. And it pisses me off that I have teachers straight off the boat from ecuador. How am I supposed to learn anything when I can't even understand him?