I just can't fucking verbalize it!

So I just recorded myself practicing a presentation I have to do tomorrow.




and when I watched it, I couldn't help but balling my eyes out because of how slow my voice is now. I have around 5 minutes to get my point across and talk about two pieces of art I chose and I didn't even get half way through what I have written down for what I want to say tomorrow.

What takes me 5 minutes to say in my head takes me like 15 to say in real life. :(

and I wouldn't be able to say those things without cue cards in front of me. It's like it's too complicated of a subject for me to be able to talk about it on the spot. Even though I completely understand and know all the concepts and facts, I just can't fucking verbalize it.

I JUST CAN'T FUCKING VERBALIZE IT.

and that creates SUCH a problem for me. In so many aspects of life it creates problems. I have a serious disadvantage to everything too. Well-spoken people get the jobs, the relationships, the friends, the money, they can get out of tickets etc....

I want to be an artist for gods sake! Every one to two weeks, in all of my studio classes, I have a critique. My teachers ask me to explain my work, what decisions I made, what I was thinking, what my concept is.... and I CANT REALLY DO IT. It makes it seem like I haven't been thinking at all when I'm making my art. The truth is, I think about it a shit-ton. Just as much, if not more than all the other artards that go to my school. I swear to god I'm not just plugging out random shit for homework so I can pass.

And the thing is, SO MANY PEOPLE create bullshit art and get recognized or paid obscene amounts. And you know why? because they know how to speak the bullshit. or they know someone that can get them into the art world that also knows how to speak the bullshit.

And despite how hard I am trying, I cannot seem to be able to speak the bullshit. (I don't really want to but at the same time I should learn the lingo if I want to be successful in the field right?) Everyone just EATS it up. You can be the shittiest artist but if you're well-spoken there is a good chance you'll succeed.

If I wanted to be an eloquent writer, I would've gone and tried that. I just want to make some goddamn art. That's what I enjoy. I would starve just to be able to live as an artist because that's all I really want to do. and I know I'm probably being ridiculous going to art school and taking out loans for something I'm almost guaranteed to make no money in......


I can't even watch that video without getting teary eyed. Because I KNOW that's what I sound like to everyone else. The voice of my friends in videos I've seen sounds almost exactly what they sound like in real life. Alot of people's first impressions of me is that I'm slightly mentally retarded or slow or something. and I know. because sometimes people talk to me like I'm retarded or a sped and it really hurts.

My mom says anyone that doesn't understand or isn't compassionate for me is just a fucking asshole.