Not many people know what it feels like to watch your mind slip away. Or see that your slowly becoming more and more like your ill mother. I feel so different from everyone else.

Disclaimer I'm not going to commit suicide. I've already gone through that and it was the worst life changing decision I've ever made.

I feel like my brain is broken. When I'm alone, I tell myself awful things completely unconsciously and I can't stop it. I don't understand why my brain is doing this and I feel so fucked up about it. My conscience says all sort of nasty things about everything. I'm insane. Not worth it. I'm weak. Loose screws. I don't have enough willpower to end my addictions. Wish I could just have a functioning brain or stop it all. I'M SO NEGATIVE AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP. My brain is trying to kill me.



The pain is unbearable sometimes. I think I do a pretty good job about not showing how depressed I am usually but

I realize I need to help myself and that the things I'm doing aren't helping me. Like cigarettes, weed, booze, the internet. But I can't stop myself from doing these things. I just forget and buy things sometimes or I want that high because it feels better than not being. I realize all these things are making my condition worse and I won't deny that. I also realize that these things are making my ultimate goal for right now hard to accomplish. and I feel like, deep down, its going to make me so much better.

Ultimate Goal: Leaving the U.S., namely, Boston and the Northeast. Anywhere with these extreme climate changes, and winter, and snow. I can't fucking do it anymore. It's driving me shithouse. I can't function like this anymore.

and as stupid as it sounds, and as much as I think it's an over-diagnosed problem, I think I have ADHD because this post has been up for 3 hours and my 15 open tabs have jumped around from depression to Mount Chocorua to Australian Citizenship to unemployment to light therapy.
I wish I could sit down and write a flowing cohesive blogpost, essay, anything.

PEACE OUT BITCHES Imma watch a documentary

Everybody just laughs

but nobody understands how stressful and painful it is living with a mentally ill parent.

oh man

I just want someone to skank to two-tone with, when all we have are these ska-punk kids and RBF weenies.

BRAIN

GIRAFFE

HELICOPTER